I had written before that I am searching for faith that I feel I lost.  Part of that is faith in myself.   I feel I am  on the brink of something.   I can't really say what because there is a lot of fear surrounding it and feelings of hope too.   

 Oh and I spoke to the blood doctor they say they don't know why my white cell count  is high.   He doesn't want to treat me for infection because he doesn't know if I have a infection.  Just another thing in my life without any answers... oh well.